SORROW AND JOY - Anonymous

Your son-in-law's grilling steak for the family because we're celebrating the birth of our daughter's second child this past weekend. He looks for the missing steak knives in your cupboard because he knows there should be more. You quietly tell him those knives are impounded at the police station. 

Even though the moment passes and he graciously nods his head, the reminder that this is one more celebration your son cannot join in kind of puts that familiar weight on the joy. Sorrow and joy are constant company.

Photo credit: "I Miss You" by bubblegumgirlzflickr.com

Photo credit: "I Miss You" by bubblegumgirlz
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EGG IN MY BEER? by James Callner

So here's the deal.

It's baffled me, for over 35 years of OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder), why family members and even family doctors don't get this disorder. It seriously stumps me. How tough is this?

I understand research continues on the exact cause and cure of OCD, but can't people make the stretch of compassion about the anxiety and — yes, as we know and are truly self aware of — the odd rituals and obsessions? We are the first to say it.

I used to ask audiences and classes of mine, "Have any of you had a panic attack?"  Eighty to ninety percent or more would answer "Yes." 

"Okay, take that feeling and multiple it times three. Sometimes all day long".

They'd get that part but why all the shame, blame, and criticizing from family? Is it just too hard for them to see you in pain? Is it scary to them?

Bottom line: all we want is a daily reprieve and a little encouragement to get there. Even the smallest daily win, over any OCD behavior you challenge in yourself, should get a "good job!" Even if someone doesn't understand it. That's called basic compassion and kindness in the midst of struggle.

Or, am I'm asking for egg in my beer? (which I have no idea what that means)

Wikipedia: Egg in beer refers to the practice, literally or figuratively, of cracking a raw egg into a glass of beer. One Pennsylvania source refers to this as a "miner's breakfast". The term is also used metaphorically, commonly as "what do you want, egg in your beer?", implying that the listener already has something good but is asking for undeservedly more.

 

Photo credit: Keggs & Eggs- Williwaw

Photo credit: Keggs & Eggs- Williwaw

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I TOLD THEM ALL OF IT - Anonymous (A Mother Bear)

And then I stood up to speak. I was afraid I wouldn't find my voice due to the tears that I couldn't hold in all day whenever I approached anyone personally. But I held strong and the tears held back.

I spoke, folks. I shared our story and told them that our story isn't unique. It's the story of countless families who care and try to get help for their SMI (seriously mentally ill) loved ones but are told the only recourse is to call 911. Then, when they call 911, the police arrive and say, 'We can't do anything unless we actually witness threats of danger to self or others."

The family's left with two options — see their kid escorted off the property to become homeless and vulnerable; or wait it out until the next violent assault and hope they live through it so they can advocate for treatment. And then, when that assault happens, (for many it inevitably does), the police arrive and the parents beg them to take their kid to the ER. Now they can see the threat of danger to self or others, right? Instead, the police say, "No, we're sorry, but now your kid has committed a felony and we have to take him into custody."

So begin the weeks and months of jail time, and waiting for yet another psychiatric evaluation despite the years of documented medical reports and hospitalizations. Finally, the treatment starts along with the parole and the recovery while the court ordered medication lasts. Then the court order is over, the son or daughter goes off medication and it all begins again. Over and over, from ground zero, the same scenario.

I told them all of it, folks, and said, "Families need to be listened to when they know their kids need treatment."

Photo credit: Brigitte Eflickr.com

Photo credit: Brigitte E
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I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. ANY ADVICE? Anonymous

Can I please shout profanities? Ugh! My son's in the hospital in Utah. Going on three weeks now.
Following another hospitalization in April.

It seemed like things were going in the right direction — we were working on stabilizing him and filling out Medicaid and disability applications but with no guarantees. 

Just spoke to the social worker about my son's mental status:  "He's really sick."

Then, for the third time in as many days, I'm asked about moving him back to California. I'm told "He's using our resources. We're going to have to eat these past two hospitalizations."

Guilt trip big time. And it keeps happening. The social workers always wind up guilt tripping us. I've been crystal clear with them that in California he will die. We can't have him live with us (his only support system). 

The police here have repeatedly refused to help us when he did live here. He's been brutally beaten twice by the police — removed once by taser. Then, in November, he sustained a life threatening injury. He was found bleeding out. Once he was a little stable at the hospital in Oakland, they turned him out on the street, in the rain, with his foot basically sewn on. He'd put his foot through a window and almost fully amputated it. 

With 40 pain killers in hand, crutches, a boot on his foot, and still psychotic, my son found his way to our doorstep. He'd eaten all the painkillers and was in excruciating pain. He'd lost his crutches and taken the boot off. Because of the psychosis, he refused to go back to the ER. We finally got him to go and then our Utah family stepped in to help. So he made it to Utah. He's now a resident there and because funding isn't in place we're getting guilt tripped again to take him back to California. 

The social worker is pissing me off. I've said, "With a discharge plan, we stand a better chance that he won't go through this revolving door again." But to no avail. Not ever. I'm terrified they're going to Greyhound him back to California and they're just not telling us.

I'm so tired, angry, and frustrated. Thanks for letting me vent. I don't know what to do. Any advice?

Photo Credit: quietseattleFlickr.com 

Photo Credit: quietseattle
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FEEDBACK FOR A MOTHER'S DIARY by Dede Ranahan

Beautiful words with an undertone that has caught me…carrying me up and down. Such a good writer that I am grateful to be with you.  I can borrow some courage here.  Janet

I just put it on the list for my book club sometime in the next year.  Candace

I'm reading now.  I live in they Bay Area. Looking forward to more connection. I'm heartbroken you lost Pat. Truly heartbroken.  Renee

Dede: Your writing is captivating! I find that I'm waiting for the next post, like when you finish a good novel and can't wait for the sequel. You and Pat have such a wonderful gift for using words in prose and poetry....thanks for writing this. I can't imagine what you've been dealing with. Carry on...you're making a difference!  Joan

Thank you again and again Dede. I came away with the same good feeling about your stories, how you tell them and the information contained, but I also came away with the wish that I would have had the opportunity to meet Patrick. His demeanor, his sense of humor. I am falling in love with him. Just such an amazing young man. You are so lucky to have him as your Son. Tama

Thank you for your feedback. You give me courage to continue.  Dede

COMING UP THURSDAY, JULY 13, 2017: JULY 15, 2013 - JULY 31, 2013

Gratitude * Pat's Phone * Finances * Giving Blood * Life in the Fast Lane * Hawaii * Mental Health Meeting * "Today's the Day" * One Day * Hope and Despair * Miscalculation * One Wise Old Woman * Leaving Home * The Journey * Daily Challenges * Food and Hunger * Losing It * Diversion

To receive email notices of new book posts, subscribe to A Mother's Diary at soonerthantomorrow.com

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