CJ Hanson — BEYOND MY UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT BEING HUMAN MEANS (California)
Is there such a thing as survivor's guilt without having actually lost someone? I can't describe the pain I feel any other way, so I’m at a loss. I’m at a loss at the pain and suffering Mark endures every day on the streets, knowing that we have no legal right to force him to live with the few of us left, nor is it even possible. Knowing that we have fought for 32 years trying to help him and make his life better, and knowing that he blames us for allowing him to live as the doctors didn't believe that he would. Knowing that the laws in this county, state, and nation are against families of loved ones who suffer from traumatic brain injury and serious mental illness. Knowing that, no matter how hard we’ve fought every day to change minds, hearts, rules, and laws, so far we have failed. We have failed.
I can’t stop crying — for Mark, and how he lives and suffers; for my twin, Linda, being the last one in our family to be able to go out and find him; for myself, for being so helpless in my own infirm condition and disability; for Mom, who will leave this earth knowing her youngest child will most likely die on the streets; for all the ignorant and uninformed people who find such joy in blaming our family; for those in the community who do care and have tried to help Mark and us for so long; for our society; for this very world.
My despair and tears are beyond my ability to explain anymore. Beyond my understanding of what being human means.
Read more of CJ’s story in the upcoming book, TOMORROW WAS YESTERDAY - Explosive First-Person Indictments of the US Mental Health System -- Mothers Across the Nation Tell It Like It Is. It will be available on Amazon.
Watch my Nautilus Book Awards Author Spotlight video: https://vimeo.com/422993030