I spent seven hours at the courthouse. They placed my daughter second on the docket so I had to stay there all day with her agitated and psychotic. She has been in our state facility for 21 months. She is one of three very treatment-resistant patients at the hospital. I just sit idly by and watch her deteriorate. They’ve tried everything they can, within their formulary, so please do not suggest Clozapine as it is not in the formulary.
The only other options are voluntary community services — which she will not adhere to — and for-profit hospitals which are useless. Her condition is worsening before our eyes. We have legal guardianship, yet cannot make her well. I feel so helpless. Surrounding states seem worse.
This is like watching your child die a slow death. The judge granted another 90 days in the state facility, and for that we are grateful because of the alternatives. I just needed to vent as I sat there and listened to her testify, incoherently, and watched her walk out of her own hearing because it made her too anxious.
The reports in court of her behaviors were so distressing — for any mother to hear — that it will forever scar me. Drinking her urine, smearing menstrual blood on her face, writing on walls with her vomit, running in halls naked, dancing suggestively in front of men, smearing her feces, flushing personal items, flooding the bathroom, and then some. She told the judge that she is pregnant by a doctor. She gave a name but there’s never been a doctor in her facility by that name. She put wire from her bra hooks through an earhole that had closed up. Social workers and nurses testified to these things and more. I was unaware of most of it until court. It was painful.
The lawyer representing my daughter berated me to make his case against treatment. But, he offered no alternative. The state provides two attorneys — one arguing for treatment. One arguing against treatment. I live 90 days at a time between one court ruling and the next.
I got a notice in the mail about an incident since court. My daughter smeared her feces in her hair and on her body. The staff had to put her in a special sleep suit.
I feel so empty. If this resonates with anyone, it’s worth the post. There is no clear answer. I realize this. I hate this cruel illness.